Questions
The questions people actually ask
Including the ones that are hard to ask out loud — which are usually the ones that decide whether somebody gets in touch or quietly closes the tab.
Is this actually common?
Yes, and far more so than the silence around it suggests. What is uncommon is talking about it — which is exactly what makes it feel rare when it happens to you.
How do I know whether mine is psychological or physical?
The pattern that points at pressure looks like this: it works alone but not with a partner, morning erections are much as they were, it began around something identifiable, and it is worse when the stakes are higher. That said, a website cannot rule anything out, which is why the honest answer always includes seeing a GP.
I’m in my twenties. Isn’t this an older man’s problem?
No. Performance anxiety is if anything more common in younger men, because more of the sex is new, higher-stakes and less familiar. Being young neither exempts you from it nor makes it stranger.
Will I have to describe explicit detail?
No. I do not need it and will not ask for it. What is useful is the pattern rather than the specifics, and you can describe the pattern without describing anything you would rather not.
Will you make me talk about my childhood?
Only if it turns out to be genuinely relevant, and you would be the one deciding that. This is not that kind of therapy by default.
Does it work online?
In my experience, for this problem, at least as well as in a room and often better. No waiting room where you might meet someone you know, no journey to talk yourself out of, and a screen is easier to say the difficult sentence to than a coffee table.
How long does it take?
Typically [N] sessions. Shame usually shifts first, then avoidance, then the self-monitoring. Erections tend to follow the pressure coming down rather than lead it, which is why we do not use them as the scoreboard.
What if it doesn’t work?
Then I will say so, early, and suggest something else — a medical review, a psychosexual specialist, couples work, or a different therapist. I would rather do that than keep taking your money.
Can I do this while taking medication?
That is a question for your prescriber rather than for me, but the two commonly sit together well. A tablet can lower the stakes enough for the confidence work to get traction.
Do I need the course if I have the book?
No. The book is complete on its own and is not an advertisement for anything. The course covers the same ground with video, a workbook and the practice recordings, for men who would rather be walked through it than read it.
Is any of this confidential?
Yes, within the standard professional limits, which I explain plainly before we start rather than burying in a document. I keep [NOTES POLICY].
What appears on my bank statement?
[STATEMENT DESCRIPTOR]. Emails come from an ordinary address with a subject line that does not say what it is about.
Does this website track me?
No advertising trackers, no pixels and no cookie banner — because there is nothing to consent to. The self-assessment runs entirely inside your browser and transmits nothing at all.
Can my partner come?
Sometimes that is exactly right, and sometimes it is better for you to start alone. Ask on the free call and I will tell you honestly which I think it is. There is also a page written for them.
I’m not ready to talk to anybody.
That is a completely reasonable place to be, and most men are there for a while first. The explanation is free and asks nothing of you.
Something I haven’t answered?
Email me and I will answer it plainly. No follow-up, and nothing added to any list.